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Dear Scene
Hey, the Scene. Thanks for coming by. How've you been, good? Yeah, stressed out, I know.


I think we both know why we're here. I'm a male submissive, and you are a nebulous mass of communities loosely bound around the commonality of sexual subculture. I represent ideas that are embarrassing and uncomfortable to the kyriarchy, and you, so far as I can tell, represent the kyriarchy's seamy underbelly. I am sensitive to social issues and civil rights, and you are just now figuring out that saying the word 'consensual' over and over again doesn't actually stop abusers.

I know. It's clear that you're working on that, the Scene, and I really appreciate it. But I think it's too late for us.

I came into this relationship with a lot of hope, and I was ready to be patient. I think you know how fulfilling I find service submission; before I started this thing with you I had an amazing experience with S. Remember her? I love kink and I love sexual expression. If that was what this was about, the Scene, I'd love you too.

Yes, I know. I could have done more. I could always have done more. But you know how I get at munches. I'm at sea, and the social anxiety kicks in, and the panic attacks happen. But that's not all. I've got a lot of triggers, and I didn't know that I had them at first. I've dated a lot of submissive women, you know, and I've gotten a really amazing front seat to abusive behavior from heterosexual cismale doms and tops ever since well before I considered myself kinky. I just don't trust them as a group, the Scene, and my time with you hasn't helped that. Time and time again, the ones who don't acknowledge their privilege and understand how much damage they can do will do that damage and I can't stand watching it.

So I'm done. Hearing jokes about controlling and hurting women, real threats and rage. The endless horror stories of abuse and rape being covered up. The awkwardness of feeling like my kink isn't wanted in kinky space. Being treated like an obstacle, invisible, or something creepy and crawly. That endless, repeated assumption that as a man, I must be a top, that I am competition.

I'd say that I'll treasure the good times we've had, but ... let's just leave it at "It's been an educational experience," ok? I have learned some important things, but I could only learn them when I put up my walls and pretended not to be kinky in a kinky space. The Scene, I had my best times with you when I was pretending not to be kinky. That's messed up and I can't keep doing it.

Look, don't flip out, but I've brought some things for you to read. I know we're breaking up, but some of these people are your friends and they've got good things to say. I honestly want you to keep working on this stuff so that maybe we can be friends again someday. Ok?

If you only read one thing, read Thomas's post about Domism and Role Essentialism. It's about how you treat Doms like they matter more as human beings than subs.

Here's a post about the devaluation of male submission, which has been a pretty huge part of our relationship, and hurts female doms too.

You know how I wish you would stop making jokes about molestation and rape? It's not funny.

You also talk about trying to avoid 'Drama' a lot, so please go over the Geek Social Fallacies of Sex.

And I know you're really sick of this, but there is still more work to be done about abuse.


That's all, I guess. It'll take me a little bit to get gone, so I'll be here through the end of the week, but then I've got to take care of myself and I'm going to start ignoring your calls and e-mails, at least for a while. I know you're big on telling hurt people that they are wrong, but this is my space and I'm going to actively police this conversation if you start acting like an asshole. I know I was trying to be helpful, but when you get right down to it this conversation isn't for you.

It's for me.


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Love this! May I link to it?

I'd like to link to it as well.

given proper credit/linking, anyone may feel free.

Geek Social Fallacies About Sex

That link was really good.
GSFS 1: People can voluntarily control their emotions about sex.
Perfectly explained!

GSFS 2: The weirder your sex, the more enlightened you are.
As a vanilla sort, I haven't experienced this bias, but it could just be within The Scene

GSFS 3: Cool chicks don’t worry about sexism.
Technically, cool anyone doesn't seem to worry about anything. That's sort of where the word "cool" comes from. I see and agree with the point being made, but I don't think it's a social fallacy. Good point; doesn't belong here.

GSFS 4: Drama is always worse than the thing the drama is about.
I'm worried about this one. The author's argument goes too far and can be taken as "the gossip is always valid." The problem of gossip is that it distorts and exaggerates something. A woman who falls for vulnerable men and has a history of picking up rebounds turns into a rapist by going through the intermediary steps of "preying on vulnerable" -> "trick them into bed" -> "sexual predator." Drama is often gossip, and gossip is often bullying.

GSFS 5: Sex should be no big deal.
Sex is a big deal, I mean... ::gestures at all these dramatic posts, rules, etc.:: right? Right???

Thanks for sharing your voice on this subject. I pulled back from The Scene for some similar and some different, personal reasons, but I definitely encountered some of the issues you mentioned. I'm sorry to hear that they existed and that they troubled you and I hope you find your way to expressing your desires with loving people, while, with a little luck, The Scene grows up a bit.

Thank you for that entire message. It's beautifully done and shamefully accurate.

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